Heal me
by Xynaa Darke
Summary: Shizuo falls in love with someone over a dating sight which is a bad mistake when he finds out who that someone is. Shizuo isn't happy when his love turns out to not only not be real but a guy as well. Broken self harming shizuo. OOC characters.
1. Meeting? What?

**Ok so this is my first Durarara fic. I love Shizaya but I wanted to try something different so here's an Izuo fic.**

Summary- Shizuo finds love on a dating site and they decide to meet in real life for the first time, little does he know that their meeting will change his entire life. Broken Shizuo and loving Izaya

Chapter 1- Meeting? What.

I sighed scribbling notes down in class as I tried to take my mind off last night. I had done it again. My thighs were littered with new cuts and I was way too tired to function. My brother had left me alone to go to his boarding school and our parents had died long ago so I was all alone in my house. I have been lonely since the start of high school so I had made a fake dating ID for the site called Dollars, it was a stupid name for a dating site but what did I care? The site hadn't helped my loneliness, if anything it made me even lonelier. There weren't many people who lived near me at all, the closest I had gotten was a girl named Kanra who lived in Shinjuku. Kanra was the only one I really talked to anyway and she seemed sweet enough from our conversations, I was just scared to meet with her because I was scared she would hate me at first glance. Being the fortissimo of Ikkebukuro wasn't a good thing. It kept me from gaining friends and socializing, people were too scared of me to come near me. I had started to hate my strength. Hell I had hated it from the start, I had never wanted this. This whole strength thing was a curse to begin with, I had tried to harm my brother and that didn't go down well at all. I had started to hate myself then but I hadn't started hating myself enough to self harm until about the start of last year, after I had turned 16.

I stopped scribbling and looked out the window. Kanra was the only one I had told about my self harm, no one else knew. My old friend, Shinra Kishitani, had gone to a different high school. That was the reason I cut my thighs and not my wrists, I wouldn't let Shinra find out and he always saw my wrists so I had decided to hide it. Shinra would just try and convince me to stop and tell me to go to therapy to help me get over it. I hated it when people said that, it wasn't that easy to get over, it wasn't just some bump in my life that I could get over. I had to stop hating myself first. That was why I could only tell Kanra, she knew I was suffering and yet she never told me to go to therapy or to get over it. She helped me a lot actually, I had started talking to her a lot this year and I had stopped cutting as much. I felt less lonely when I talked to her, I just had to get through school everyday but it was worth it for the couple of hours we would spend together after. Well ... I'd spend on the internet. That was easy, I usually spent my time on the roof messaging Kanra on my phone whilst I ate lunch. It was like I was already in love. Every time I talked to her I felt happier and whenever she didn't talk to me I felt more alone than I ever used to before I met her, well talked to her.

I heard the bell ring and I sighed in relief. Thank god, I grabbed my things and shoved them in my bag shoving past people and out the door. The students moved and I sighed going to my lockers and changing my school shoes to my outdoor shoes. I looked at all the people around me and then at the ground, all around me people were chatting loudly and laughing. How I envied them, if only i had someone close to talk to (that wasn't on the web) I felt someone bump into me and I turned around.  
"I-I'm so s-sorry." a small girl squealed and bowed, I could feel everyone's eyes on me and I frowned.  
"It's all right." I muttered and smiled a little. The girl ran away and I looked to the ground as I began to walk out of the school. What was I expecting, was I expecting her to smile at me and not run away? I was known as the fortissimo of Ikkebukuro, that is all I'll ever be known as. No one will know the real Shizuo Heiwajima, besides a select few.

The walk home was once again quiet and I looked at the floor as I walked, it helped because I knew that people would be looking at me, they all hated me. Of course they would I mean I got into a lot of fights and was constantly breaking stuff. That was the main reason why I didn't want to meet Kanra, I mean that and if she knew who I was she would run away at first glance. My name had traveled all the way to Shinjuku so there is no way she doesn't already know about me, she would be able to notice me straight away. There was always a picture of me throwing lampposts, signs, cars etc every time I got into a major fight. on the internet and newspapers. I was constantly being sent bills for the damage I had caused around the city, I barely got through the weeks. I worked my butt of at my part time job as a bartender. It was a calming job, I had had many jobs before my current one but I constantly got fired because of the damage I kept causing. Not to mention my temper didn't help much.

I sighed unlocking my door and stepping inside throwing my shoes off.  
"I'm home." I said to no one as I stepped into the house closing the door and walking into the living room. I opened my laptop and turned it on, I smiled a little at the screensaver of Kasuka and I as children. We were at the beach with our parents and I remembered it was before I had gained my strength. We all looked so happy, god I missed those times. I missed my parents, they accepted me for who I was long after I had gained my strength. They had both died in a robbery, it had happened when me and Kasuka were at school. Kasuka and I were waiting at school to be picked up by our parents and the police had come by. We were both so confused when they said we couldn't go home that night and we had been taken in by our grandparents. When I had turned 16 me and Kasuka had moved back to a home of our own. Kasuka had moved to his boarding school this year and now I was all alone in this three bedroom apartment.

No one would dare rob the Heiwajima household now that I had a reputation. The only people I had left to talk to was Kanra and Shinra who I barely saw anymore. I talked to Kasuka every weekend because he new about my cutting and how lonely I was. I had told him about Kanra and how I really wanted to meet her but that I'm scared of what she'll think of me. Kasuka assured me that if she liked talking to me on the internet she'd probably love to meet me. Not one of us had talked about meeting yet, we had joked about it but she wasn't serious. Maybe she never wanted to meet me. Sure she basically knew me already but knowing me as the fortissimo of Ikkebukuro was something I didn't want her to know. I shook my head as I clicked on the internet icon and typed in Dollars. I logged in and saw that I had a message from Kanra.

**_Kanra: Hey, how was your day? _**

I smiled at that and typed my response.

_**Tsuki: Same as usual, how was yours?  
**_**_Kanra: Great. :) Hey I've been thinking ... we should meet up this weekend._**

I froze and stopped typing. What. Meet, this weekend? I felt my heartbeat speed up and I gulped. I really wanted to but ... could I? Where had this even come from, it was pretty sudden. I ran a hand through my hair and sighed, I should at least meet her once and then if she didn't like me then I guess it just wasn't meant to be. It wasn't worth talking to her if she was never going to like me for who I was, or what I looked like. I smiled sadly and turned to the computer screen, I couldn't find the strength to write my reply though.

_**Kanra: Tsuki ... are you there?  
Tsuki: Yes, sorry. I think meeting up would be good. **_

There I had typed it, there was no going back now. I looked at the screen and waited for her answer, why was I so anxious? I looked down at my fingers until I heard the small beep that escaped my laptop telling me I had a reply. I smiled in relief as I read the message.

_**Kanra: Cool, how will I know it's you? I mean they'll be plenty of people.**_

Shit I hadn't even thought about that, what would I wear? Oh god why was I freaking out so much? I typed with shaky fingers, the only way she would notice me was my headphones. One of my cousins had made them especially for me. They were a strange shape because they strapped around the back of my head.

_**Tsuki: I'll be wearing bright pink and white headphones around my neck and you'll be able to see my bright blond hair. I'll wear a black hoodie too. **_

That would work, I hoped I could find them. I hadn't used them in a while but they should be in my room somewhere. I let out a shaky breath and gulped waiting for her response.

**_Kanra: Oh so Tsu-chan likes pink huh. That's cute.  
Tsuki: Sh-shut up. They were a gift._**

I could feel myself blush and I smiled the first real smile in a while. She said I was cute. I tried to control myself but I couldn't stop smiling after that comment. It felt like i was really in love and was even more anxious about the weekend, if she didn't like me it'd break my heart.

**_Tsuki: Oh how will I find you? Where should we meet? What time?  
Kanra: I'll find you ;). How about the bakery near Russia sushi? About 12.30ish  
Tsuki: Ok sounds good :) I'll talk to you tomorrow I have to go have dinner. Bye Kanra-chan.  
Kanra: Talk to you soon._**

I frowned closing my laptop and walking into the kitchen, I needed a drink and I needed to make dinner soon. I opened the fridge and grabbed a bottle of milk and started sculling it down. I grabbed noodles out of the cupboard and decided I may as well make them, there was nothing else in anyway. I sighed grabbing out a pan and filling it with water. I didn't know how I was going to meet Kanra yet what if she missed me even though she said she'd find me? What would I wear? Would we meet on Saturday or Sunday? I shook my head. No we would sort that out later, why was I freaking out? It was just like meeting with a normal person, yet this seemed more nerve-wrecking. It was probably because I had never seen her before, yeah that was it. I put the noodles on the stove and stood there looking out my kitchen window. I wonder what Kasuka would say if he knew I had a date.

...

I couldn't sleep as I lay in bed so I turned on my laptop and clicked on the Dollars website once again.

_**Kanra: Can't sleep either :)  
****Tsuki: I hate to say it but no. **_  
_**Kanra: Did you hear about that gang that Shizuo Heiwajima beat up?**_

I jumped as I read that last line. It had been a week ago and I had beat up the leader of the yellow scarves along with some of his subordinates, I had never expected the rumor to spread, I mean hardly anyone in Ikkebukuro had known about that. She would have had to got that information from an information broker, but she didn't seem the type to do that ... or so I thought.

_**Tsuki: Erm yeah of course. I do know him after all. **_

What was I saying? I shouldn't say that at all. I shouldn't associate myself with him at all, but then again what about the meeting. When she knew who I was she'd definitely run away, she won't even listen to me at all. I scratched my head as I stared at the little dots on the screen anxiously as I waited for her to reply.

_**Kanra: Really, that's so cool you have to introduce us sometime! **_

I gaped at the screen, I must have read that wrong. She wanted to meet me, was she crazy?

**That's all I have for now I gave updated this chapter and will continue to update the rest of the fiction and try and get a new chapter up by the start of next week. **


	2. Who Are You?

**Ok so just to make this clear Izaya is older than Shizuo in this fic and most of the characters are OOC. Just clearing that up for everyone. Another update so only a few chnages in this chapter.**

Chapter 2- Who are you?

The next day was better, my conversation with Kanra had cheered me up. Everyone in school looked at me as if a miracle had happened because Shizuo Heiwajima was actually smiling. The whole day passed by quickly and as I walked outside, I was greeted by the person I least expected to see, Shinra.  
"Hey, what are you doing here?" I asked embarrassed as he clung to me, I didn't fight back, I felt as if that'd be mean after not seeing each other for months.  
"I came to visit you because our school is off for the next two weeks. Apparently the air conditioning in every room needs fixing, the whole thing blew up this morning it was hilarious everybody was yelling and-" Shinra babbled on and I eventually stopped listening.  
"Hey Shizuo, listen to me." Shinra pouted and I looked at him, oh right what?  
"Hey, you look awfully happy today, did something happen?" Shinra asked with that damn grin he always had plastered on, we started walking towards my house.  
"Well, I'm meeting Kanra on the weekend." I admitted and Shinra stopped.

"Oh my god, that's sounds like it will be fun." Shinra yelled and everyone around us gazed our way.  
"Yeah, I'm scared that once she sees me she'll run away." I confessed and Shinra frowned but continued walking.  
"Don't say that, she'll love you." Shinra winked, I rolled my eyes but smiled.  
"Really, she'll love the fortissimo of Ikebukuro. She won't run away from me, I doubt it." I scoffed.  
"She will, just wait. Anyway mind if I stay at yours tonight?" Shinra asked and I shook my head.  
"Sure, I've been feeling lonely anyway." I admitted and then face-palmed when I realized I said that out loud.

We arrived home and I told Shinra to make himself at home whilst I take a bathroom break. As I was washing my hands I looked over at my bathtub and frowned, the bottom of the shower curtain was covered in dried blood. I growled yanking it down and throwing it in the washing basket.  
"That's a lot of blood, you must have been cut up really bad. Tell me who did you fight this time?" Shinra grinned.  
"The yellow scarves." I partly lied, that blood was caused by me. I had hurt myself this time, I couldn't tell Shinra that though.  
"Damn, I think I heard about that from a friend of mine." Shinra told me as we walked downstairs to the living room, I tilted my head. He had friends other than me?

"What friend?" I asked, hardly anyone knew about that incident. So how did his friend, even the yellow scarves wanted to keep that information hush hush. If that got out they'd be laughed at, even though no one could beat me all the gangs still taunted each other about losing to one guy.  
"He's an informant, he knows all the fights you get into. All of them. He's pretty good, if he gets information on you then you had better do what he asks." Shinra rambled and I nodded. So Shinra's friends with an informant, I better not meet him, I don't want any information about me getting out to Shinra.  
"It sounds like you should be cautious around him. He might steal your secrets and use them a bribery." I warned Shinra.  
"I know that, I'm not telling him anything about me that he can use as information anyway." Shinra patted my shoulder. I hoped he was being careful, Shinra had been my best friend for as long as I can remember, all I do is worry about him. I mean he was the biggest klutz in middle school, heck he still is. He doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut.

"How's Kasuka?" Shinra asked pulling me from my thoughts and back to the present.  
"He's good." I mumbled. I hummed and began to put on my xbox findfing some games we could play together just like the good old times. It had been a long time since I had had a friend to talk to and mess around with.

...

It was two days until my meeting with Kanra, we had changed the destination to her house, I'm still not 100 percent why though. We had planned that I would arrive at her house at midday and hopefully we would go somewhere. I didn't want her parents to see me and forbid her from ever seeing me again, but I could only imagine the looks on their faces as I knocked on their door. I sighed putting my pen down and looking at my maths sheet, I would never finish it if I kept fretting over this. I grabbed my laptop and clicked on the dollars website loading new messages from Kanra.

**_Tsuki: I can't do my homework, it's too hard and I'm thinking too much.  
Kanra: Awww, Tsu-chan I'm sure you can do it what subject is it? _**  
_**Tsuki: Math, you know I suck at math.  
Kanra: Send me a picture, I'll help you ;).**_

I grabbed out my phone and quickly took a picture of both sheets and sent them to Kanra, she was good at math so she'd probably understand. I couldn't tell what any of this bullshit meant, what the hell did expanding mean? How the fuck do I times two letters together? Ugh this made no sense at all. I waited for a reply staring aimlessly at the sheets.

_**Kanra: Ah I get it, you have to times the numbers in the brackets by the number outside of the brackets.  
****Tsuki: What, that makes no sense.**_

That was how my evening continued but at least I managed to finished both of the work sheets by about 11pm with Kanras help. I smiled, Kanra really was a nice girl. I hoped she didn't care that I was ... well me. I just wanted to be accepted. My mind raged into a swirling pit of hate and anger and I tried to control it. There was no use in getting mad at who I was, I would only hurt myself again. I couldn't do that, not before meeting Kanra. I couldn't, it'd feel like I was letting her down. I curled my hands in my hair and growled, ugh why was I like this? I crawled into bed and put my earphones in and blasted music through them as I closed my eyes. The music helped my mind go blank and slowly I fell into a deep sleep.

...

I couldn't sleep the night before my meeting all I did was lay in bed thinking about tomorrow. I was so scared to meet Kanra, what if she wasn't nice in person? What if she was playing a trick on me and she actually hated me? I groaned as I sat up, I was wearing nothing but boxers and it was starting to feel hot. What if all this was a trick, my breathing started to speed up and I started clawing at my thighs, I started scratching at the scabs that had formed. I've told her everything, this can't be a trick. no one would be that heartless to play a trick on a stupid vulnerable teenager would they? No, I was overreacting, Kanra wouldn't do that she loves me. I stopped. Loves me? No I wanted her to love me was the real answer, I looked down at my bloodied thighs.

I was in love with Kanra, but I didn't know if she was in love with me. That's why I'm worrying so much, I sighed and got out of bed. I cleaned my fresh wounds with alcohol, I bit my lip at the pain and tried not to make any noise. You think that I'd be used to it by now but sadly cleaning my wounds always hurt no matter the size of the wound. I grabbed the bandage from under the sink and started wrapping it around my thighs. It would be bloodied in the morning and I would have to do this whole process over again, this was what I hated about self harm. It was messy and afterwords you felt worse than you did before. Sometimes it made me feel better but most of the time it just made me feel even more down. I stood up and grimaced as pain shot through my legs, the wounds weren't bleeding that much so hopefully they wouldn't bleed through the bandage that much. I mean I had only picked the scabs off, I hadn't made any new wounds today.

I'd have to be careful tomorrow, I didn't want to tear the wounds open again. It had happened once before on the street and I had to rush home, my jeans I had been wearing had scraped against the wounds that I thought had fully healed and it had caused me even more pain. I got back to my bed and stripped it of the bed sheets, I was going to change them anyway is what I thought to myself to help me through the annoyance of having to change my covers. I slipped into bed after all the hassle and I hate to admit it but after my freak out I fell asleep peacefully.

...

Morning was hectic, I was racing about looking for suitable pants because they were in the wash. I needed a shirt too and I decided to find my headphones to listen to music, even though we weren't meeting at the bakery I wanted Kanra to comment on my headphones. Well, more specifically I wanted her to call me cute again. I decided to wear a short sleeve top that was red with black stripes, it didn't go with my headphones but I honestly didn't care. I grabbed a pair of jeans and managed to squeeze into them, I spent a long time in the mirror trying to see if I could notice my bandages underneath. I eventually gave up. I had spent a long time deciding how I would get to Shinjuku last night, in the end I found a train to Shinjuku would be easier and then decided I would walk the rest of the way. I stuffed my wallet in my pocket and grabbed my phone, I'll stop by the bakery first to get a pastry and a cake. I hadn't had breakfast and it was already 11.30 by the time I was ready.

I opened the door and closed it locking it, I put my key in my wallet so I wouldn't lose it and started walking to town. The streets were crowded but that was to be expected. Everyone I passed started whispering that Shizuo Heiwajima was wearing normal clothes, he wasn't in his bartender uniform or school uniform. I sighed, I usually got into fights after dark because that was when the gangs hung around my work place. Almost every night when I walked out of the bar I was ambushed, my boss didn't mind as long as it was out of the bar, or at least that's what he says. I passed Russia sushi and smiled at the Russian man yelling about good sushi, his Japanese was off and I couldn't help but smile as I listened to him. I spotted the bakery I smiled wondering if Shinra's girlfriend was working there today, Shinra had introduced us once before and she seemed nice from what I had seen.

I walked in and looked over at the showcase full of sweets, what did I want today? I hummed and smiled a little mouth drooling at the sight of cakes. I was surprised when I looked around, the whole bakery was empty, it wasn't quite rush time yet. A man at the front of the store paid and turned around. I stared into the strangers eyes and he smirked, they were a dark burgundy. I stood there shaken, he had smirked at me, wasn't he scared of me? I noticed the man gaze at my headphones and I raised an eyebrow.  
"Do you want anything?" I asked annoyed and the man laughed, it was an unsettling laugh.  
"No, you just remind me of my friend." He replied and I couldn't tell if he was lying, his voice was higher than mine but the way he talked sent shivers down my spine. I nodded and walked past him.

"Well isn't this interesting." the man laughed as he walked away, I looked behind me once more. What a weird guy.  
"Good afternoon." I said to the cashier, looks like Shinra's girlfriend wasn't working today. I looked at the girl, she looked as if she was about to piss her pants.  
"G-good afternoon, wh-what can I get you?" the girl stuttered.  
"I'll have a sausage roll and a lemon meringue pie please." I put on a fake smile hoping to make her more comfortable, it worked. The girl smiled back at me.  
"That'll be 570 yen, thank you." I handed her the money.  
"No, thank you." I laughed grabbing the food, god it was hard to fake being polite and happy.

I walked to the train station eating my treats and was content, I looked at the timetables. Ugh, the next train didn't come for another fifteen minutes. It was better than wasting money on a taxi. I flipped out my phone, I'd better message Kanra.

_**Tsuki: Won't be there for a while.  
**__**Kanra: That's OK I'm not home, I was just grabbing groceries.  
Tsuki: Thank god, I didn't want you to wait that long. **_

I could feel my face heat up as I admitted that and I looked around to make sure no one was looking at me, luckily there weren't many people around. I sighed in relief and looked at the clock, still nine minutes. How long was this train going to take? I was a very impatient person, I hated waiting for anything. Even getting a shot, I'd rather it be over and done with. I hated the waiting, I put my headphones on and slipped them into my phone. Music would help, I turned on my music and closed my eyes. The train came after I had finished two songs so I didn't wait that long thankfully, the train ride was quick as well with my music playing. I looked around and grabbed the map out of my pocket, I had never been to Shinjuku before so this was my first time. I followed the people out of the train station and as I walked around I could tell that people here were scared of me too, not as many people as Ikebukuro which was refreshing.

I had to ask for directions many times, I was relieved when I finally made it to my destination. I smiled as I stared at the apartment building I was meant to go into. I made my way in and looked around, OK her room was on the third floor. I walked up the stairs and started to feel nervous again. I dug my fingernails into my palm and breathed a deep breath out as I approached the door. I knocked twice and waited for an answer.  
"Come in." A high pitched female voice squeaked and I took a deep breath in, here goes. I opened the door.

**Whoo finally finished another chapter, sorry that took so long guys. oh and I used 570 yen because I don't know the prices in japan but that comes to about $5.82 for the Australian dollar and that's the cheapest I thought I'd make them both. Please tell me what you think by the way, I also love to here critiques because I'm trying to become a better writer so if you have any problems please tell me about them.**


	3. Strange request

**Ok so one of my new years resolutions is to update more and I know that when I get back to school that won't work very well so here's hoping that I can at least update more in the holidays. Remember that Shizuo and Izaya are a bit ooc. Another update. **

"Come in." A high pitched female voice squeaked and I took a deep breath in, here goes. I opened the door and looked around, my eyes landed on a female in a green sweater, her hair was long and dark. She glanced at me and I looked down at the floor. The hallway looked perfect and I hadn't even stepped into any of the other rooms yet, I could only imagine what the rest of the house looked like.  
"Excuse me is Kanra-chan here?" I asked once I had looked up again.

"What are you doing here?" the female asked obviously annoyed. Was she Kanras mum? Why did she seem so annoyed all of a sudden?  
"I'm here to se-" I was cut off.  
"Anyway I'm leaving. Izaya my shifts over see you next week." The woman yelled interrupting and I looked on confused, why was she leaving? Who the hell was Izaya, why hadn't Kanra mentioned any of her parents names to me?

"Namie, don't leave. I have someone coming over. Hey wait." A man marched into the doorway, as I glanced at him I paled when I realized that it was the man I had seen at the bakery. What a coincidence and what an embarrassing turn of events.  
"OH why hello there. Are you here to see Kanra?" the man asked and I nodded, something about him made me hesitate for a second and I had a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach.

"She talks about you all the time. She loves mentioning Tsuki did this, Tsuki did that." the man smirked and his red eyes made me uneasy. Something about this guy didn't seem right.  
"Where is she right now?" I asked quietly and the man walked towards me.  
"She's in the shower, how about you come into the living room for a while." the man suggested and wrapped an arm around my waist guiding me into the living room and sitting me down. I sat there nervously and looked around, this place looked pretty expensive.

I sat on a large black couch and I glanced around the room, a 52 inch flat screen TV sat opposite the couch. A glass coffee table in front of the couch with a triangular board which held chess, Shogi and Othello pieces.  
"My name's Shizuo Heiwajima, by the way. Tsuki's just a pen name." I introduced myself.  
"I know, I'm Izaya Orihara." The stranger replied and I smiled, I still had to play nice. Even if this stranger made me uneasy.  
"About Kanra, I don't want to drag this out any longer than necessary. Since you're sitting down let's start." Izaya purred and I stared at him confused.

"What about Kanra, is she OK?" I asked worried, we hadn't even met yet don't tell me something happened.  
"Well, in fact Kanra was never real in the first place. I am Kanra." Izaya laughed and I looked at him waiting for the punch line to his joke, it never came.  
"I've tricked many people and made them question themselves, they were all so desperate for love. You're different though, who would have ever imagined that you, Shizuo Heiwajima, would be on a dating site? Who would have thought that he self harms, that he has no one or two friends. Who would have guessed he hates his strength, you interest me." Izaya admitted and grabbed my chin and began to force my head in all directions as if to get a look at me, it reminded me of how judges look at dogs in competitions. I growled and glared at him as he let go.  
"You're telling me that all this was a trick and you've been leading me on?" I yelled, it made me even more angry when Izaya's eyes lit with excitement.

"What if I am Shizu-chan?" a part of me snapped when I heard the nickname and I jumped on him pinning him to the ground and raising my fist, how dare he insult me, how dare he poke fun at me, who the hell does he think he is? He does this for fun, what a sick man. I aimed for his face but he managed to move his head and my fist buried itself into the floor. I growled as I felt a cold metal press against my throat, I froze. Why the fuck did this bastard have a knife?

"Now please get off me, you're going to get blood all over me." Izaya grunted disgustedly and I looked at him confused until I looked at my thighs which were covered with bloodstains. I stood and the insane stranger kept his blade pressed against my throat in case I attacked again.  
"Lets go clean you up, we'll talk about what's happened in the bathroom." Izaya urged and I followed the damn flea to the bathroom, I didn't want to talk about what happened, how dare he act all civil and mature.

"Take of your pants." Izaya instructed once we had entered the bathroom, I felt my face heat up and Izaya smirked.  
"Oh shy are we, that's another thing I would have never expected from the fortissimo of Ikkebukuro." he laughed. I stood there frozen.  
"We need to stop the bleeding, hurry up and strip." Izaya snarled impatiently.  
"Don't get mad at me." I growled back as I unbuttoned my pants and pulled them off, I grabbed my headphones off and threw them to the floor along with the phone in my pocket. I stood up straight and looked in the mirror as I tried not to feel any more embarrassed.

I could feel his eyes on me and I couldn't help the blush as he stared at me in my underwear. Luckily I had worn appropriate boxers and not novelty ones I had at home. I felt his hands on my thighs and I looked down as he grabbed the bandage and unwound it slowly.  
"Wh-what are you doing?" I stuttered and he grinned up at me.  
"I'm cleaning your wounds." he stated.

"I can clean it myself, get out." I muttered as I tried to pry his hands away from the bandage.  
"Get out of my own bathroom?" Izaya asked and I frowned. He continued with my bandages and I bit my lip, my mind was yelling at me to stop him. He shouldn't be allowed to touch me so freely, he shouldn't be able to see this side of me.  
"You've really cut yourself up." he commented and I closed my eyes.  
"Why don't you laugh at me, tell me I'm stupid for destroying my body." I sighed then hissed feeling a alcohol coated cloth touch my thigh.  
"I'm not going to say anything. I've heard everything about you remember." If I looked away I would have missed the quick smirk he put on.

"Why did you trick me?" I questioned. I was still heart broken over the fact that the 'girl' I had fallen for was actually a man, I didn't know what to feel. A part of me was still in love with Kanra and that meant I was in love with this strange man, and why would he invite me into his house?  
"I don't know." I looked at Izaya and he looked as if he were truly being honest. Then again I didn't exactly know this person, he was a stranger yet he knew everything about me, I still knew nothing about him, he had lied making a fake alter ego.  
"I usually do it just for fun, this time when I found out who it was I was tricking it felt different. I felt like I needed to know more about you, more than I already know. I want to know what makes Heiwajima Shizuo tick, what does he like and most of all why is he on a dating site?" Izaya laughed and I sighed.

"You don't need to know more about me, I probably won't see you again after this. I'll probably just go back to being lonely." I grumbled as Izaya undid my second bandage.  
"I have an idea, since you loved Kanra so much how about we start dating?" Izaya asked and I froze, I had never said that I loved Kanra how did he know.  
"It's written all over your face, you loved her. So lets try it, didn't you once say you didn't mind what gender a person was as long as you loved them?" I looked away, what did he want to date me for? Was he using me for something, was he going to throw me away after he'd had his fun with me?  
"I don't think so we've only just met." I stated.

"Ah, but if I was really Kanra you'd date me if I asked. Isn't that right?" Izaya raised an eyebrow and I growled, why was he so good at mind games?  
"How can I know I can trust you, you said it yourself you wanted to trick me." I was confused as to why he wanted to date me, I was nothing special anyway.  
"But I said you were different. You can't trust me I'll admit that, but aren't you willing to take the chance, you don't have to be alone any more." Izaya grinned he had finished patching me up and I felt him caress my thighs and I sighed. It felt strange, no one had ever touched me so intimately before.  
"I'll take good care of you." he muttered, I felt the lie in that. He would probably just fuck me and then be on his way, should I risk it?

I didn't have much to live for so I could afford to take this risk right? Even if he made me uneasy he could be kind right, I shuddered as I uttered my answer.  
"Fine, I'll try it, but if you so much as hurt me I'll kill you." I growled and he smirked.  
"Especially what I'd expect from Shizu-chan." He laughed.  
"Thanks for trying." Izaya muttered and kissed my forehead, I shook my head and turned away as I blushed.  
"You're welcome." I grumbled.

...

"So how long have you wanted to meet me?" I asked once we were settled and sitting in his lounge room. It was raining outside and I had borrowed a pair of Izayas track pants because mine were covered in blood. I was surprised they fit me, for an adult he was short.  
"For a long time, I'm surprised you picked up on that considering everything I said." Izaya commented passing me a cup of hot chocolate.  
"Well it isn't often that someone wants to meet me." I stated and Izaya sat down closer than necessary.  
"I'm sure that's not the case, I'm sure that they're just too scared to act." Izaya smiled but it was twisted, he wasn't helping at all.

"Damn weather forecasters, they're always wrong." I mumbled, farewell to the hot afternoon.  
"You're so unpredictable, you're like the weather. You're not like normal humans are you?" Izaya yawned from beside me, silence overtook the room and I frowned looking into my cup and sipping from the hot chocolate. It was almost like he was saying I wasn't human.

"So we're dating now?" I asked, beside me I saw Izaya nod. I had to change the subject, the silence was killing me.  
"What are we supposed to do?" I whispered, I had never dated anyone before because they were too scared of me, heck I barely sat this close to anyone before. I waited for an answer and then laughter erupted through the room, I felt the blood rush to my face and I looked away.  
"You've never dated anyone before?" Izaya laughed trying to get a grip.  
"No, is that so hard to believe?" I muttered irritated.

"Yes, your quite the good looking teenager. If you didn't have your title I bet you'd be popular." I could feel myself tense and blush even harder at that comment. He thought I was good looking. I heard the sound of a cup being put on the table and Izaya looked at me.  
"You're so shy for someone so violent." He admitted and I nodded. I wasn't used to talking to anyone, and if someone complimented me I was bound to blush.  
"Of course I am, I'm new to this stuff." I groaned. I looked over at the clock on the wall and frowned. I had been here for a while, after Izaya had cleaned me up he had offered me a cup of noodles and a cake which he had picked up at the bakery, I was surprised to find out that he didn't like sweets. That made me wonder why he had bought cakes and pastries if he didn't like them.

"I should get going soon, I don't want to get caught here if a storm breaks out." I admitted.  
"How about I drive you?" Izaya offered and I gaped at him.  
"You really don't mind?" I asked.  
"I don't want you to get attacked on the way home, even though you can look after yourself I'd hate for you to get injured." Izaya smiled and I couldn't tell if it was fake or real, just like the comment and I nodded.

"So now you can stay a bit longer." Izaya winked. I gulped, I was slowly being swept away by this man. I hadn't thought about how much I was hated and how much I needed to get home all day, he had kept me busy and that sort of made me scared, what if I became someone else. Who would that someone be if it wasn't the me who hated myself?

**This is where I am leaving this chapter for today, I will update hopefully by the end of next week maybe earlier. Until then. Please review and tell me what you think so far. **


	4. Friends And Family

The drive home was awkward and we didn't talk much, after I went home I had gone straight to bed. Well tried to, I went through my head so many times trying to make sense of my day. It still made no sense, why did Izaya want to go out with someone like me. Especially since he knew about my 'habit'. Maybe Izaya had fallen for me too but I wouldn't count on it, I couldn't see Izaya as someone who could fall in love. Even if we were dating I couldn't imagine it getting serious. Izaya just seemed as if he was playing a game with me. I didn't sleep much that night.

I went to school on Monday as normal and I was actually really happy once everything had cooled down. I had gotten myself a a significant other, someone who I can be with without worrying about them judging me. Someone who could maybe love me back. It was strange though, being able to hang around with someone like this, I was happy. It was strange for me to be happy, people stayed away from me as I walked through the halls with a huge smile on my face. People must have thought I was insane.

...

The weeks seemed to pass by quickly and we arranged dates and talked about each other, until it became a month. I was surprised I had lasted this long. I hadn't told Shinra about him yet, but today I would. I was finally going to introduce him to Kasuka too, after all he came home tonight. I had already planned the whole evening out. I invited Shinra and Izaya and I was cooking, I had already told Izaya I was going to introduce him to my friend and brother. I don't know why he would agree to it though. Kasuka knew he was meeting my boyfriend and I was surprised when he had smiled over the video camera and said that he couldn't wait. He had mentioned nothing about my sexuality and when I had asked him about it the next day he just rolled his eyes and said 'I don't care you seem happy'. Those words had made my whole week.

Shinra was the only one who didn't know that Izaya was my boyfriend, I only said I was introducing him to a friend. I decided that I would tell him face to face when I met him and not over text. I wanted to see his reaction like I had seen Kasuka's, if only he owned an account on a video chat website. Then I wouldn't have to plan out this whole evening, it was nice though. I hadn't ate dinner with more than one person in a long time. I only hoped that Shinra accepted me, I mean he was my only friend. I wanted him to react like Kasuka and say that he was fine with whatever I wanted to choose.

I sighed and decided to start dinner, it might take a while, so while I was waiting for my guests to arrive I may as well start dinner. I pulled out the vegetables and smiled, I was really excited for tonight. I chopped up all the vegetables and let them sit in the water to wash for a bit while I got started on the meat, I wasn't that good a cook but the one thing I could make perfectly was my mums famous roast dinner. When she was alive I used to help her make it all the time. I decided that meal would be best for four people, and it was nice for a day like today. The weather was terrible and I had just sat at home all day lazing about, I decided to change into jeans and a long sleeved black top. I didn't want to look like a slob when everyone finally got here.

I jumped hearing the doorbell and I smiled putting the lamb in the oven and answered the door. The first one to come was Izaya and he smiled at me hugging me tightly and I stood there awkwardly. We hadn't kissed yet, we had only hugged so far but I was going to change that by the end of tonight hopefully. Izaya was wearing his fur coat again and some black jeans, I rolled my eyes. He really liked that coat.  
"What are you cooking, it smells delicious." Izaya admitted and I shrugged.  
"Nothing much just roast." I muttered as I walked back into the kitchen. I felt the heat as Izaya come up behind me and I froze as he wrapped his arms around me.  
"Do you want to know what else smells delicious?" Izaya purred and I shrugged him off blushing.

"Get off me." I whispered not really meaning that but wanting for him to stop being so close. I still wasn't used to this closeness, I wasn't used to being intimate with other people.  
"I can't do that now, I haven't seen you since last Saturday." Izaya smirked and let go of me poking his finger into the gravy.  
"Hey leave that alone, don't touch anything." I pushed him away annoyed.  
"Tastes homemade, I thought you would have used instant gravy." Izaya laughed and I shook my head.  
"Well sorry to disappoint." I rolled my eyes.

I heard the doorbell and groaned.  
"Go answer that I need to check dessert." I ordered and I opened the fridge lifting out the Crème brûlées I had made. They didn't look as good as the did on the TV but I had tried, that was the main thing. I heard the door open and I glanced down the hallway, Izaya stood there with his usual smirk and Shinra stared back in shock.  
"Oh, hey Shinra. Come on in." I smiled and walked back into the kitchen.  
"Well, hello Shinra, my name's Izaya. Nice to meet you." I heard Izaya introduce himself and for some reason it seemed as if he was hiding something.

I made sure everything was in the oven or doing well before I walked into the living room.  
"Shinra, could I talk to you privately? I have something I need to tell you." I gulped, this was it. I was gonna tell him.  
"I have something to discuss with you too." Shinra replied glancing over at Izaya. I raised my eyebrows but walked into the hallway away from Izayas ears, I closed the door to the kitchen and the door to the living room in case he somehow heard us.  
"So what's up?" Shinra asked.

"It's about Izaya, you see-" I was interrupted.  
"You shouldn't trust him, he's bad news Shizuo. How did you even meet him?" Shinra bombarded me with questions and I looked away, what did he mean bad news?  
"What do you mean bad news?" was all that I could get out.  
"He's evil, he's an information broker. If he learns anything about you at all he would sell you out in the blink of an eye. I would never trust him, even his closest friends are betrayed by him, well if he had any close friends." Shinra explained and I could feel my chest tighten. This was what had been wrong, I had a feeling that this was too perfect. I had been duped by my own stupidity.

"What did you want to say about Izaya anyway?" Shinra asked curiously ending his small rant.  
"I ... I just wanted to tell you ..." I trailed off, I couldn't tell him, not after that. I froze hearing the door open behind me. I looked behind me as Izaya waltzed out looking all high and mighty as per usual.  
"I knew you'd be finished talking, what did you two discuss?" Izaya asked standing close to me, Shinra narrowed his eyes.  
"Oh nothing, I just wanted to ask for a blood sample from Shizuo. You know about his strength. Or you should, informant-san." Shinra lied.

"Why didn't you tell me you were an informant?" I whispered and Izaya looked at me surprised.  
"I didn't mean to keep it from you, I just assumed you didn't want to know. You heard what I told you the first time I met you, you're different." Izaya reminded me and I nodded, I was still on guard. I wouldn't let him tell anyone about the dark part of me. I could feel Shinras curious eyes on us and I realized that I still hadn't told him, I was too scared to see his reaction. Especially after that speech about how bad he thought Izaya was.

Izaya glanced at me and smirked.  
"I know all about Shizu-chan. We're well acquainted." Izaya gloated now focusing his attention on answering Shinras question. I felt his arm wrap around me. Oh god this couldn't be good, if Izaya kept acting like this Shinra might find out.  
"Is that so." Shinra glanced at me and I blushed.  
"You seem very close." Shinra noted.

"Of course we do, we are dating. Oops, I suppose I shouldn't have said that." I froze when Izaya said that and I saw the shock in Shinras eyes, Izaya looked pleased with himself and I was blushing. I punched Izaya who fell to the floor and glanced at me as if I had done something wrong. I trampled off into the kitchen, he wasn't supposed to tell Shinra that. It wasn't for him to decide when to break it to Shinra, it was my decision. I heard the door open and I felt relieved finally.  
"Brother, I'm home." I smiled walking back into the hallway where Izaya and Shinra were still staring each other down.  
"Hey, Kasuka." My brother smiled slightly embracing me, he glanced at Izaya and Shinra and I gazed down at my shoes.

"Did I come at a bad time?" Kasuka asked, I nodded.  
"A bit, anyway I may as well say it now the cats out the bag. Kasuka this is Izaya, he's my boyfriend." I admitted confirming it, Shinra marched into the living room and I closed my eyes sighing as Kasuka and Izaya introduced themselves. This was going to be a hard meal, I had a feeling it wasn't going to get any better any time soon.

...

Dinner was far beyond awkward no one spoke for the first ten minutes, Izaya eventually broke the silence.  
"This tastes amazing, you sure can cook Shizu-chan." Izaya praised and I smiled, no one had ever complimented my cooking.  
"Thanks." My eyes caught Shinra's and I looked down, it was almost as if he was disappointed in me.  
"I'm surprised you can cook." Izaya laughed and I narrowed my eyes, there it was. He could never be nice without ruining the moment.  
"Yeah, looks like you finally learned how to cook nii-san." Kasuka added in and I laughed nervously.  
"I'll do the dishes, nii-san you can go and talk with Orihara-san and Kishitani-san." Kasuka smiled, so he had noticed something up with us. I nodded, it was time to settle this.

I walked into the living room with Izaya tailing behind me and Shinra behind him. I closed the door behind all of us and sat down.  
"So who wants to start this?" I asked dreading this conversation.  
"I will." Shinra commented glaring at Izaya.  
"I've known you for a long time Izaya, I've warned you time and time again to stay away from my friends but you never listen. Why would you date Shizuo, he's my closest friend. Is it so you can gain more information to people about the fortissimo of Ikkebukuro, are you leading him on?" Shinra asked his voice raising with each passing line.

I sat there feeling useless, I didn't even have a say in this. Shinra acted like I wasn't even here.  
"Shinra it's not what you think, I've fallen for him. Well I fell for Kanra, that means I fell for Izaya." I quickly explained, Shinra looked at me sadly.  
"I should have known. Shizuo you can't fall for him, he's not who you think he is." Shinra tried reasoning with me and I ignored him.  
"Shinra Izaya's been talking to me and thanks to him I've become less and less depressed." I admitted and I could feel the room go cold.  
"Shizuo ..." he trailed off finding there was nothing he could say, he finally settled on something.

" ... Why didn't you tell me you were depressed?" Shinra whispered sitting down next to me.  
"I couldn't, I didn't want to tell you. You would just try and help me and we both know helping people with depression doesn't really work." I sighed.  
"How do you know that Izaya wouldn't tell anyone about you being depressed?" Shinra frowned.  
"Shinra I would never do that." Izaya admitted his face serious.

"How do I know that?" Shinra argued.  
"Because I'm not that evil. I wouldn't tell someone that for money. I wouldn't tell anyone anything about my Shizu-chan." Izaya smirked back to his joking voice.  
"I suppose I can trust you, I warn you if you so much as hurt Shizuo I will never trust you again." Shinra sighed admitting defeat. I gasped and smiled.  
"Thanks Shinra." I smiled. Kasuka walked in at that moment and I smiled at him.  
"Lets have dessert." I announced and walked into the kitchen.

**I'm trying to update as much as I can haha, I hope you enjoyed this chapter I promise it will get better from this chapter. Please review. **


	5. Kissing Fleas

The rest of the night went well and I didn't notice it was getting late until it was about 11.30. I waved Shinra out and Kasuka had gone off to bed so I was left alone with Izaya. I stood at the door and looked at the ground nervously, I had promised myself I would kiss him by the end of the night but I was so damn nervous.

"So this weekend, do you want to stay over?" Izaya asked and I blushed looking up.

"All weekend? Starting from friday?" I asked, Izaya laughed.

"Of course, I want to spend as much time with you as I can." I could feel my cheeks get redder at that comment.

"Yeah, Kasuka goes back on Thursday." Izaya nodded and before I could register anything he leaned down and pressed his lips to mine. I froze but then closed my eyes and joined in, his lips were soft and as his hands grabbed my face he applied more pressure. I felt his tongue prod at my lips and force its way into my mouth, it curled around mine and I moaned grasping at his jacket. I jumped as I heard the stairs behind me creak, Izaya pulled back smirking as my face started to heat up.

"Nii-san." Kasuka nodded walking into the kitchen.

"Kasuka." I breathed my face paling.

"Anyway see you this weekend Shizu-chan." Izaya laughed waving as he skipped away, I closed the front door and sighed resting against it. Oh god, getting caught kissing was embarrassing, I sighed as I got up and walked into the kitchen. I looked at Kasuka and began rubbing the back of my neck as his eyes met mine.

"You two seem happy." Kasuka commented, his face was blank of any emotion. I nodded taking the glass of milk that was handed to me, I glanced at the table pulling out a chair and sitting at the table. I had a feeling this conversation might drag out a bit.

"I'd be careful of Orihara-san, he seems as if he's hiding something." Kasuka warned as he sat down next to me with a glass of water in his hands.

"Why does everyone keep saying that? I can look after myself you know." I growled. Kasuka nodded.

"I know you can, I'm just warning you." He stated.

"I'm staying at his this weekend." I muttered, I knew that meant that Izaya wanted to try and take this relationship a step further. I don't know if I was ready for that yet.

"Good for you nii-san, I think it's nice you have someone else to be around." it was hard to here that from Kasuka, even my own brother knew how lonely I was.

"Yeah, same." was all I could say in reply. I just had to get through the rest of this week and then I would have something to be happy about, well I wasn't sure if I was happy seeing the flea. I mean he was my boyfriend and everything but now that everyone knew something felt ... should I say different? I wasn't used to this feeling and I felt like something was going to go wrong.

"Well anyway goodnight nii-san." Kasuka muttered smiling, I nodded getting up to wash my glass out.

"Yeah, night. We'll do something together tomorrow night." Kasuka nodded and was about to walk off before I stopped him.

"Listen Kasuka, thanks for tonight." I said sheepishly, Kasuka giggled.

"You're welcome Nii-san. You know you don't have to thank me, we are brothers. I'm sure you'd do the same for me." With that Kasuka walked from the room leaving me alone to my thoughts.

I decided that all this fretting wasn't good for me and that I should just head for bed. It would be the earliest I had gone to sleep in a while, I was usually up all night doing homework and talking to Izaya. Thankfully school had mellowed out and I didn't have that much homework. I sighed slipping out of my clothes and into my boxers, I slid under my covers and closed my eyes. It didn't take me long to fall asleep, I was out like a light.

...

The next day school was a pain in the ass, I was way too excited about last night and I couldn't concentrate at all. I was constantly staring out the window or doodling stupid nothings on my page, I was still thinking about that damn kiss. That was my first kiss and my god it was good, Izaya was a great kisser. I really couldn't wait for the weekend now. That was all I could think about during Chemistry and English.

As I walked through the halls I could hear people whispering about a young boy outside who looked famous, I groaned as I looked outside and saw my brother holding a small brown bag. Shit, I had forgotten my lunch yet again. I rushed from the building to the front gates where Kasuka was waiting.

"Kasuka, what are you doing here?" I asked trying to keep my voice calm, he didn't have to come all the way here just to bring me my lunch.

"You forgot your lunch." he stated wearing his poker face as usual.

"You didn't have to bring it, I would have done without it when I realized." I muttered rubbing the back of my neck.

"You shouldn't say stuff like that, you should take better care of your body nii-san." Kasuka lectured, I nodded grabbing the bag from him.

"Thanks, I have to go back. I'll see you at home. You had better go straight home, you better not get lost." I warned waving goodbye as I walked back onto the school grounds.

I kept my eyes off everyone as they stared, they probably wondered what I was doing talking with someone as cool as him. No, they were probably wondering why the fortissimo of Ikebukuro hadn't already lost his temper and gone insane and tried to throw the stranger, or what our relationship was. I couldn't be left alone, I accepted it though. It was now a daily occurrence and I didn't care what people thought of me anymore, no one but those closest to me would ever know the real me.

I just couldn't wait for this day to be over so I could spend some time with Kasuka. I zoned out the rest of the day and the teachers were too scared of me to call me out on it, I didn't learn anything the whole day but that was fine with me. I got a call on the way home and I groaned, it was from work.

"What is it Akabayashi?" I asked slightly annoyed that work was calling me. Didn't I already have my shifts sorted out?

"I need to rearrange your shifts, so you won't be working this weekend but you'll be working all of next weekend. Oh and don't forget to come this Thursday, you're only on for four hours this time." I smiled, that meant I got to spend more time with Izaya.

"Thanks for letting me know, I'm happy the shifts have been changed." I replied.

"It's OK, I guess I'll see you on Thursday. Bye Shizuo-kun." Akabayashi hung up before I could reply with a goodbye of my own. I made it home quickly and I threw my shoes off.

"I'm home." This time I actually had someone to say it to.

"Nii-san, welcome back." Kasuka greeted smiling slightly, I made my way into the kitchen.

"So what do you want to do tonight? I have nothing that I want to do, I'll do whatever." I rambled on throwing my bag on the table and sitting down exhausted.

"How about we go out to a restaurant, I'll pay." Kasuka suggested, I looked at him and raised my eyebrow.

"You don't have to pay I'll pay, I have extra money from working the whole week last week." I insisted.

...

Me and Kasuka walked all over but gave up and decided to just go to Russia sushi, I hadn't been there in a while and I had to say I had no idea that they had changed the menu so much. I had no idea what to order. I sighed placing down my menu and looking around, all the onlookers glanced at me from time to time and began to whisper stuff about me to their friends.

"I have no idea what to get, half the stuff on this shouldn't even exist." I commented.

"What are you getting?" I questioned.

"I have no idea, I'll just order the normal sushi what about you?" Kasuka asked.

"I'll just get the tuna sushi." I smiled, I was fine eating anything as long as Kasuka was happy.

"You order sushi?" a giant built man asked, he sounded like he wasn't from around here. He didn't look as if he was from around here either his black skin stood out. I let Kasuka order and I stared down at the menu.

"Oh and could I please have a banana milkshake?" I asked the giant. He nodded and walked away.

"How was school today nii-san?" Kasuka asked starting conversation. I shrugged, same as usual. I glanced out the window replying to my brothers constant questions, I asked him about his roles in certain movies he was scouted for. I froze mid sentence when I noticed someone walk in, what was he doing here. I tried to look away but I made eye contact with him. Crimson eyes seemed to smirk as he noticed me.

"Shizu-chan. What are you doing here?" Izaya asked waltzing up to our table with a strange male following behind.

"So this is the monster of Ikebukuro?" The man next to Izaya chimed in, he wore a white suit and a gold chain around his neck. He was a scary looking guy and I had to wonder what Izaya was doing with him.

"Yes this is him." Izaya smirked. At that moment the foreigner brought our food and drinks to the table. Izaya grabbed a peice of my sushi with a grin and plopped it in his mouth.

"Hey, buy your own greedy flea." I complained, I could feel Kasukas eyes on us and tried to ignore it.

"Mmm, you have good taste Shizu-chan. Well besides the drink." Izaya noted, glancing at my milkshake in disgust.

"Well, I have no more time to waste. See you this weekend Shizu-chan." Izaya waved walking into one of the private booths, the other man followed him in but glanced back at me before closing the sliding door.

"Nii-san, what was Orihara-san doing here?" Kasuka asked, heck he knew as much as I did.

"I ... I have no idea." I whispered and took a long sip of my banana milkshake. Knowing Izaya when I next saw him he wouldn't mention this, if I brought it up he would ignore me. It was then that I realized I knew absolutely nothing about the damn flea. I hated to admit it but the Izaya was like a stranger to me.

**So that's chapter five, I promise it will get better from here on in. I have many ideas that I want to use in this story so please be patient and it will get better. Thanks for reading once again. **


	6. The Calm Before The Storm

Saturday came too soon for me, I was so unprepared. As I stood outside the fleas apartment I began to get nervous, sure I had been to the Izayas house many times but I was staying here tonight and I still couldn't wrap my head around it. I lifted my hand to knock but before I could a woman waltzed out, it was the same woman I had seen when I was first here. She looked pissed off and I backed away a little, she stopped when she saw me.

"Namie, get your ass back here." Izaya groaned and looked at me when he noticed I was standing at the door.

"Oh, Shizu-chan, come on in. Namie I won't forgive you for that." Izaya snarled the last part of the sentence slamming the door.

"What was that about?" I asked casually looking back at the door.

"Ah, she just tried to poison me again. Same old same old." Izaya didn't seem fazed as he said it but my eyes widened, why would she want to kill him? Was he dangerous?

"Welcome to my humble abode once again, drop your bag in my room I have work to do. I'll be finished shortly." With that I wandered into the adjacent hallway and walked into the fleas room. Izaya didn't actually have anything personal in his room, no photos, no books, no paintings. It was empty except for a bed and a beside table. There was a built-in closet but I couldn't imagine the flea having that many clothes. I dropped my bag on his bed and walked into the living room. The flea sat at a large desk behind the sofa and was typing away at his laptop, what was this 'work' that Izaya was doing now?

"Mind if I turn on the TV?" I asked reaching for the remote as if I already knew the answer, which I did.

"Go ahead." Izaya replied eyes still glued to his screen with that usual smirk he always wore, I rolled my eyes.

I was a little disappointed, I thought that when I got here he would embrace me like he usually did but he was too busy working to even give me a peck on the cheek. I sighed pressing the stand by button and the TV whirred to life, there was absolutely nothing on TV. I settled for the news instead. I wasn't really into it until I heard about the blue squares once again causing trouble. I huffed.

"They aren't even that strong." I muttered to myself, I heard Izayas typing stop and I turned around to see his eyes on me.

"Oh?" Izaya questioned raising an eyebrow.

"What?" I asked, Izaya looked at me with that excited grin that he only wore when doing work or finding out something interesting.

"I take it you've fought them before?" Izaya asked standing up and waltzing over to the sofa.

"I suppose I have, I expected them to have a lot more strength, I mean the whole gang took me on." I explained. Izaya sat down next to me and nodded urging me to go on.

"What about your work?" I asked glancing over to the laptop.

"It can wait, it isn't due until Monday." he waved it off.

"Anyway, tell me all about it. How many, do you remember their faces, what did the leader look like?" Izaya asked all off these questions and I froze.

"... Well the leader was shouting stuff at everyone, there were about I'd say fifty total maybe more but I can't remember. The leader was the one who came up to me and started it, he never thought I'd defeat them all. I can't remember all their faces but I can remember the leader, the one bossing them all about. He was tall and had purple eyes, I remember thinking that he was so much taller than me at the time yet I beat him to a pulp. Why do you want to know all this?" I asked before I could answer the other questions.

"Just asking." Izayas eyes seemed to gleam the way they did when he learnt he was right.

"Anyway that's my work done, thank you so much Shizu-chan." Izaya grabbed my head and placed a kiss on my temple, I felt myself flush and I looked away.

"Wait, what?" I asked.

"I had to find out who the leader of the blue squares was and now that you've confirmed it for me that I was right. I can now tell my client."

"Er, you're welcome, I guess." I muttered as Izaya took out his phone and called someone. I honestly didn't like Izayas 'work', I don't want him to get into anything dangerous. I guess that's his decision though. I touched my forehead and felt blood rush to my cheeks once again, damn I was getting even more attached.

...

"I never knew Shizu-chan fought the blue squares." The flea laughed bringing it up again at dinner. The flea had decided to cook, and damn it was good.

"I never knew you could cook.' I stated back, I wouldn't let him get anymore information out of me.

"Well, you've learnt something new." Izaya smiled, I sat there frozen but smiled back. That was the first time I had seen the flea genuinely smile.

"Yeah." I breathed as I dropped my spaghetti back onto my plate.

"Your so clumsy, it's cute." Izaya commented before he stood grabbing his plate.

"Finished?" I nodded and grabbed my plate.

"Ah, don't worry, I'll do the dishes." I offered but Izaya shook his head.

"Go shower, I'll wash and dry these. You are a guest after all." Izaya waved me away and I walked out of the kitchen. The flea was being strangely nice today, it felt wrong. Like he was hiding something, I shook it off and made my way into the bathroom. A shower will wash away my worries, they always did. I stripped and stepped in the shower, I hated using other peoples showers because I never knew how to use them. I had once broke Shinras shower because I lost my temper and snapped the handle off.

I glared at the tap, there was only one. Which way was cold and which was hot? I sighed trying the left but jumped out of the way when the water was freezing, right it is. I turned it right and was still greeted with ice cold water. I snarled and stood out of the way of the tap. Fuck it, I'll have to shower like this. I grabbed the shower gel and lathered my body before I wet my hand and tried to wipe of the gel with my hands. I came out of the shower after many tries of trying to get the water warmer and quickly toweled myself off so that I wouldn't catch a cold, granted I'd never had one before but you never know. I threw on a shirt and my boxers and made my way downstairs.

"Shizu-chan," Izaya whistled looking towards my crotch, I looked away with a blush on my cheeks.

"What? This is what I always wear." I told him walking into the living room my face getting redder.

"My, my if anything happens tonight don't blame me." Izaya smirked and I gulped sitting down. Izaya wrapped his arm around my shoulder and I smiled cuddling into him as he turned on the TV browsing through the channels. He finally settled on a movie that had just started, turned out it was one that my brother was in. He only played a minor part but he would get there eventually. I yawned at the end of the movie and Izaya smiled slightly.

"Tired are we? Lets head to bed, I have lots we can do tomorrow." Izaya told me pulling me from the sofa.

"Yeah, sounds fun." I muttered opening my eyes and trying to make my way up the stairs.

"Aww, did school make you this tired?" Izaya asked laughing as I turned to glare at him halfheartedly.

"You should know, you've already graduated." I growled and then again I realized that Izaya was a lot older than me.

"My school days never used to tire me out protozoan, I was always full of energy." I rolled my eyes at his comeback.

"Still are." I mumbled knowing he still heard it. We walked into the bedroom and I walked to the right side of the bed while Izaya took the left.

"Ah, good. You take my opposite side." Izaya smiled as pulled back the covers. I crawled into bed and sighed as I closed my eyes.

"Goodnight flea." I whispered feeling Izaya scoot closer to me and wrap his arms around my waist.

"Night, Shizu-chan." Izaya whispered in my ear and kissed the nape of my neck, I was once again out like a light.

...

The next day went smoothly, I was just about to beat Izaya in a martial arts game but his phone buzzed and so he paused the game. The day had been a long one, first we had gone shopping and Izaya had bought me a new bow-tie for my job, it was red and apparently it suited me. Then we had gone to the movies and afterwards we had gone out for yogurt. It was a typical date, so we decided to come home and play on Izayas play-station that he 'happened' to have. I huffed, you can't just 'happen' to have a play-station, he probably has it to stop himself getting bored.

"Sorry, work." Izaya groaned as he came back into the room.

"That guy you talked to yesterday?" I asked focusing on the screen as he unpaused it.

"Yeah, he's a good customer so this next assignment should pay well." Izaya smirked at that.

"You don't need more money you have enough." I told him.

"Shizu-chan, you can never have too much money." Izaya winked.

"Pft, if you have so much money why go out with someone like me, why don't you go out with some pretty girl or a handsome man?" I asked curious, the truth was I actually didn't want to hear the answer. I didn't want it to be something like 'Because you're fun to play with'.

"I've never thought about dating anyone before, when I saw you though it felt like I could. It felt like I could date you and not have to lavish you with gifts to gain your attention or even have sex with you to keep your lust in check. In fact you're the first Virgin I've ever gone out with." Izaya smirked losing the game and shuffling closer, I sat there as still as I could.

"I do love your reactions to my touches." Izaya purred as he trailed his hand down my chest. I tried to growl but it was turned into a moan as he swept his hand over one of my nipples. Izayas lips landed on mine and I responded letting his hands wonder under my shirt and pull it off. My face began to heat up but I didn't care because if felt so damn good. I entwined my fingers in the fleas hair and tugged pulling him closer. Izayas lips began to wander down my neck occasionally sucking and biting and I arched into the touches. A yelp escaped my mouth as Izaya began to tweak and suck at my nipples. I groaned as they hardened and threw my head back, crap. I had to stop this I was getting hard, I shivered as a sly hand slipped to my clothed half mast erection.

"IZAYA." I squeaked feeling him palm me through my clothes.

"What's the matter Shizu-chan?" Izaya asked with that damn grin on his face.

"That's far enough." I panted trying to push him away but all my strength was lost because of the pleasure, the flea let out a sound of disappointment and grabbed his phone.

"I need to go make another call anyway, I'll be ten minutes." Izaya replied walking out of the room. I gulped grabbing my shirt and slipping it on, I tried to calm down. Damn, that was ... so damn good. I'd never felt anything like it in my life, ever. I looked at the clock as it ticked away calming my brain, my erection had disappeared finally. The clock ticked and ten minutes had passed and then twenty. I sighed standing up and walking around the house quietly to look for should be done on the phone now shouldn't he? I finally found him in the guest bedroom with thee door slightly ajar, it looked as if he was writing something on a notepad.

"Yeah, got it." The flea said to the other person on the phone.

"Yeah. I'll get them to you soon Shiki-san." silence.

"Oh, yes he's doing fine ... Mmm yes we are going out. How do you know?" Crap he was talking about me to the stranger on the other line, what was he saying?

"My you have other ways of getting information, why Shiki-san I am so hurt." Izaya pouted.

"Yes, he is quite the treasure piece. I mean taking down all those blue squares, what a monster he is." I froze, Izaya had called me a monster. No I must have misheard, Izaya would never call me that. He often let other people say it but he would never say that, would he?

"Monsters need to be loved too Shiki-san ... even this one." I gulped, so he had called me a monster. It wasn't just me hearing thing. I knew I shouldn't have eavesdropped like this but I was too damn curious.

"Am I scared of the kid? Shiki what kind of question is that. I'm no where near scared of him." Thank god, I felt myself let out a breath that I hadn't realized I'd been holding when he said that.

"Why? Well that's an easy question, because I will break him. I will break him and make him submit to me." At that sentence I bolted, I ran as fast as I could out the door. I didn't care where I went I had to get away from this bastard.

**Whoa I feel so bad for doing that to my little Shizuo but it's all part of the plot****, I meant to update this on the 28th for Shizuos birthday but it wasn't ready. Anyway please tell me what you think of this chapter. Also not to forget but Shizuo and Izaya and all the characters in this are ooc. **


	7. The Storm Hits

I bolted out the front door and out of the apartment building, I had to clear my head. No, that wasn't it, I had to get as far away from that fucking flea as I could. I trudged through the streets and eventually I made my way to a small park before I finally stopped, technically it couldn't be classified as a park. It only really had a set of swings and a slide. I sighed taking a minute to get my breath back to normal, I had ran the remainder of the way and was exhausted. I just really wanted to be somewhere familiar. I walked over to the swings and sat down, I began to push myself forward and backwards looking up at the sky. This was my first time running away from Izaya, I never knew how painful it could be.

Maybe I was hearing things, maybe Izaya hadn't actually said that. I shook my head, no. He said it himself, he said that I couldn't trust him. So why had I, was I that lonely that I would trust just about anyone? I pulled out my phone and turned it on to silent, no doubt the flea would finish his conversation any minute, and I just knew he'd start looking for me if I wasn't around. I huffed and realized that it was so cold out that I could see my breath, I wrapped my arms around me.

Let the flea come, it will serve him right for saying those things. I shivered as I began to feel the cold, damn I knew I should have brought a jacket but i just had to get out of there as quick as I could. I stood and looked around, I had absolutely no idea where I was. I was a long way from home and it would take me too long to walk back tonight, it was already dark and I would get lost. I rummaged through my pockets and looked in my wallet. I only had about 9269.99 yen to last me the rest of the week, I didn't have enough for a hotel and I had no idea how much a cab ride. I sighed and plucked out my phone. I dialed the cab company and waited.

"Hello?" I asked cautiously.

"This is cab services how may I help you?" they asked and I licked my lips. I felt my phone vibrate and I sighed knowing it was a message from Izaya, the man was quick.

"How much would it be to get to Ikebukuro?" I questioned hesitantly.

"About 4110 yen." I smiled, I could do that I suppose, I mean I had all my food for the week so I wouldn't be totally penniless.

"Then I'd like to book a cab." I spluttered out the address. I sat on the swing waiting for the taxi to arrive, I couldn't think straight I wanted to go home and tear open my scarred wounds. I wanted to erase the pain in my chest with an entirely different pain, just so I didn't have to feel the ache in my chest. I closed my eyes and squeezed my hands into tight fists. I wanted to break something, I needed to get rid of this anger and pain all at the same time. I could feel my nails bite into my palm and I dug them in deeper.

I hated Izaya, I hated that he was just playing with me. I hated that he was always being so kind just to deceive me, I hated the way he always laughed at my misfortunes and I'd just brush it off. I hated how I had trusted him but most of all I hated that I still loved him. A loud groan came from my mouth as I felt another vibration and another a few minutes later, I sighed and turned my phone off. My eyes scanned over the park and to the road. I felt so empty, like I was dreaming this whole thing. I felt like I would wake up any minute and Izaya would be there laying next me laughing about me drooling as I slept. I knew that that would never come true though. Tears began to sting my eyes as the pain became too much to handle.

I noticed the taxi that parked up on the road near the park and I wiped my eyes, I stood up and sighed making my way towards the taxi. I nodded to the driver as I got in and he looked back at me and frowned.

"Rough night?" He asked and I nodded looking out the window.

"I'd rather not talk about it." I muttered quietly the driver understood and looked at the road as he began driving. I didn't even want to think about it let alone talk about it. Rain suddenly began to pour and with a slight smile I chuckled, what fitting weather for my current mood.

...

I got home and stripped into my boxers closing my eyes, I was so done with today. I just wanted to sleep. My thighs were itching for me to tear them open and it was the first time that had happened in a long time. Ever since Izaya came into my life I had been fairly happy, I hadn't reopened the scars on my thighs since the night I told Shinra. I rubbed at my thighs willing for the itch to go away, it only got stronger. I turned over closing my eyes again and thinking about stupid stuff to try and get rid of this urge. I pulled my covers off of me and sighed walking into the bathroom to take a cold shower, hopefully that would work.

I turned on the tap and groaned stepping under the spray, it didn't help much and before I knew it I was clawing at my thighs. I closed my eyes and cried out, I hated feeling this helpless. I needed comfort, I needed Izaya. Stepping out of the shower I cursed myself and toweled myself down. The face in my mirror was terrifying, his eyes were red and his skin pale, he had bags under his eyes from not getting much sleep. He was scary, _I _was scary. I looked down at my thighs and my breath hitched, they looked terrible, they were torn and the skin was ragged and rough. I hated that I had done this to myself.

I trudged back into my room and frowned sitting on the bed and then lying down. I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

...

I hated myself the next day because I felt so lonely without Izaya. I hadn't even been dating him long and look at me, I was a mess. I sat up and glared at my legs, I was aching all over and I didn't like it. I put on pants to cover my scars and yawned as I made my way out of the room. I trudged down the stairs and made my way into the kitchen still not fully awake but not tired either. I stretched and grabbed the milk from the fridge pouring myself a glass. I grabbed the glass and waltzed into the living room and flopped on the sofa. I was just about to turn on the TV when the doorbell rang. I sighed hearing a knocking shortly after the doorbell, I stood and walked to the door.

"What is it?" I asked opening the door and then slamming it shut as soon as I saw who was on the other side.

"Shizu-chan let me in right now." Izaya growled banging on the front door. I huffed and opened the door slightly so I could glance out, what I saw was something I never thought I'd ever see. The flea was a mess, his eyes had bags under them and his hair was disheveled. It looked like he was wearing the same clothes as yesterday but with Izayas closet I'd never know. I frowned giving in and opening the door fully.

"Do you understand how worried I was when you weren't there?" Izaya snarled and walked past me into the kitchen, I followed keeping my head low. I didn't want him to see the scowl on my face just yet.

"I don't care." I muttered and Izaya slammed the kettle down and started boiling it.

"What did you just say?" Izaya questioned walking towards me.

"I said I don't _care._" I repeated now glaring daggers at the raven haired man.

"... I'm _sorry_ did I do something?" Izaya asked his voice seeping with annoyance. I opened my mouth prepared to say something but then I closed it again when I realized that he never caught me, Izaya had no idea that I had caught him on the phone. He had no Idea that I had listened to him call me a monster. My chest throbbed at the word and I looked at the ground.

_Monster._

_Monster._

_MONSTER._

"You've done nothing wrong it's me who's done something wrong. After all I always do something wrong don't I?" I snarled turning around and gritting my teeth.

"Calm down Shizu-chan don't be so angry, you're acting like a monster." Izaya replied his tone just as sharp as mine, a second too late did he realize what he said.

MONSTER

Straight to me, he had said it. I was sure this time and the fact that he had intended to say it made it hurt all that much more.

"Ah, Shizu-chan I didn't mean." I stormed off running down the hall I threw on a pair of shoes and a jacket.

"Shizu-chan where are you going?" Izaya asked coming up behind me and putting a hand on my shoulder.

"Don't touch me." I barked shrugging off his hand and opening the front door.

"Shizu-chan, _where are you going?_" Izaya repeated and I turned around I heard Izaya slam the door behind him as he chased after me.

"I'm trying to get away from you." I screamed and I regretted it after I saw the look on Izayas face. I had once thought to myself how strange it would be to see an emotion on Izayas face but after seeing pain cross his features I was regretting that thought. I wished I hadn't seen it. Luckily his poker face was back on in a matter of seconds but I had seen it.

"Leave me be, I want to be alone right now." I muttered and walked away only just now noticing the onlookers, they stared at me with fear and hatred and I wished that I could erase myself from this world so that I could stop feeling this pain, I wish I could take back everything I had done and said to anyone that's hurt them.

The wind began to blow and it was chilly and I noticed that the ground was still wet from the rain last night. I walked past a small park and towards a large abandoned building and I sighed making my way up there, I sat at the top and smiled gratefully as I pulled out a pack of cigarettes from my coat, I hadn't had one in ages. I only indulged in one of these when I was feeling down. I suppose it was perfect for this moment. I gazed out towards the other abandoned buildings and I smiled, there was no one around. Izaya hadn't followed me so I was left alone in my own solitude.

I thought about my life so far, about Kasuka, about Shinra and about Izaya. All of them would have been better of without me, Kasuka would have a better big brother, Shinra would have more friends and Izaya ... well he would have a worthy girlfriend, not some stupid teenager who's emotionally unstable and is barely passing classes. I sighed and held my chin in my hands while taking large intakes of breath and exhaling the smoke from my cigarette at record speed. I looked through my pockets and pulled out everything and lay it on the ground.

I had gum, a Swiss army knife, an empty pack of cigarettes-well at least it was now- a cheap lighter and a movie ticket from the first movie Izaya and I went to see together. I smiled and piled the heavier stuff on top so it wouldn't blow away. I stood and walked towards the edge of the building, it sure was high I noted and smiled. I frowned again as I grabbed my Swiss army knife and bent down and started engraving something in the building. I stood back up and I smiled seeing as the note was good enough I walked to the edge of the building and closed my eyes as I fell backwards the wind rushing through my hair, one single sentence left behind.

_The monster is grateful, for he had the chance to live. _

**4110yen= $44.34 9269.99yen= $100 I haven't updated in a long time so I wanted to do something and then get to work on the next chapter as soon as possible. As you can see I am loving these angsty scenes at the moment but they will stop eventually, I really hate hurting my babies but it has to be done anyway I hope you all enjoyed it. Ttfn.**


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